Understanding what is causing you to feel insecure

Photo by Nate Neelson on Unsplash

We feel insecure because we are comparing ourselves to others. We are asking ourselves questions like, “Why am I not as pretty as her?” or “Why does he have a nicer car than me?” and “Why do they get to go on that trip while I have to stay home?”

By asking these questions, we feel insecure because we don’t have the answers. If you think about it, you don’t really know why you aren’t as pretty as someone else or why they have a nicer car than you. We may know the reasons on an intellectual level, but that doesn’t stop us from wondering and feeling insecure about it.

The only way to eliminate these feelings of insecurity is to stop comparing yourself to others. Instead of thinking in terms of comparison, think in terms of the reality of your life. Ask yourself, “How do I want my life to be? What do I want it to look like? What do I want my relationships with people to be like? How much money do I want in my bank account? How many trips do I want to take next year? What kind of house would I like to live in?”

It’s not your fault

The seeds of your future insecurities are sown in your early years. That’s when you learn what to value and what to reject, what to embrace and what to fear. Your family, teachers, and friends teach you how to act in certain situations.

You learn how much it’s okay to take up space, speak up, ask for help, or even ask for a hug. This is when you learn the subtle art of letting people down gently without damaging their self-esteem or making them feel bad about themselves.

When you’re young, you have little control over your life; it’s full of pain and suffering but also boundless joy and wonder. But even then, your brain is working hard to create a template for how it thinks the world works — and that template affects how you behave as an adult.

If you’re treated with respect as a child, it gives you the confidence that everyone deserves respect — including yourself. You don’t see yourself as an object or prize that needs winning; instead, it becomes natural for you to think of others first.

If there are no rules at home or school — if there is no such thing as bad behavior — you’re likely to grow up with the idea that you can do anything you want. If you’re criticized or punished too harshly, however, it can make you feel like you’re not good enough, that there is something wrong with you.

The way your parents or caregivers speak to you is a powerful influence on how secure or insecure you feel. A simple “good job” can give a child confidence for life; an insult or an insult disguised as a compliment can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

Insecure people tend to overreact when they feel criticized or threatened in any way.

When your parent tells you that no one likes the outfit you’re wearing, it might not seem like a big deal at the time — but it could have long-lasting effects on how confident and secure you feel about yourself.

When children are treated with respect and love from their earliest years, they grow up feeling loved and secure, knowing that others will treat them well too. This gives them the confidence to express themselves freely without fear of rejection.

Making sense of the fear of rejection

The one who has a deep desire to be in a relationship is often fearful of being rejected. They fear that the other person might not be interested in him or her.

They also worry that the other person might be unfaithful. They assume that he or she will have no control over his or her feelings and will become attracted to someone else, therefore ending the relationship.

The more we fear rejection, the more we push away people who are attracted to us and who like us. The fear of rejection pushes away people who have good intentions toward us and we do not realize it until it is too late.

We do not realize how we reject those who love us until they no longer show interest in us anymore, but by then it is too late to get them back because they already feel betrayed by our distrustful attitude towards them.

This also leads to an increased fear of being rejected because we cannot tolerate rejection anymore so we are likely to reject others first instead of giving them a chance.

This makes it difficult for someone to open up to you about their feelings for you because they feel insecure about your reaction towards them and how you might react if they show interest in you. They are afraid that you might reject them and push them away, just like you have done to others in the past.

If you are able to control your fear of rejection, you will be able to accept someone’s feelings for you and understand that they do not have a hidden agenda or they are not trying to hurt you. They are genuinely interested in getting to know you and be with you.

You will be able to appreciate that someone is interested in being with you because they think that you are worth it. They think that it is worth it to be with someone who might reject them at any moment because they see how special and unique a person you are. This shows how much they appreciate and value themselves as well as how much they value the relationship.

They do not feel insecure about your feelings towards them because they know that their feelings for you are genuine and that it is something that is important for them, so there is no reason for them to feel insecure about being rejected by someone who has not shown interest in them yet or has never shown interest in anyone before.

If this person rejects this person, then he or she might not be ready for a relationship anyway because he or she might still have trust issues or unresolved wounds from past relationships.

If you feel insecure about someone’s feelings for you, you are putting your insecurities on them. It is not their fault that you feel insecure, it is your fault because you feel insecure about being rejected.

When we do not feel secure in our relationships, we often try to control our partners. We try to control their actions and reactions so that they will not reject us. This is a sign of insecurity because if we did not feel insecure, we would not need to control the other person’s actions and reactions towards us.

Types of Insecurities

Low Self-Esteem:

We feel insecure because we don’t value ourselves or our lives. When we don’t value ourselves, we think less of ourselves than other people do. This makes us think that other people are better than us or more deserving than us. We can have low self-esteem in different areas of our lives including physical appearance, relationships, intelligence, and career success. No matter what area of our lives it is in, low self-esteem always leads to feelings of insecurity.

High Self-Esteem:

We feel insecure because we are overly confident in our abilities. We are so confident that we don’t see our flaws or weaknesses. This can lead to a false sense of superiority over other people. When we think we are better than other people, it makes us feel like they are less valuable than us. This can make us feel superior to them and like they don’t deserve the same things that we do.

Shame:

We feel insecure because we have experienced shame in our lives. When we experience shame, it makes us feel inferior to other people and less deserving of love and happiness. Shame usually comes from traumatic experiences in our lives such as abuse, rejection, or abandonment. It can also come from being told that you aren’t good enough or aren’t deserving of love or success by parents, teachers, coaches, friends, partners, etc.

Guilt:

We feel insecure because we have done something wrong and want to hide it from others. When we feel guilty about something that we have done or said, it makes us want to hide it from others so they won’t know what is going on inside of us. The guilt leads to feelings of insecurity because when other people are around us, we feel like they are judging us and that they know what we have done. We also feel like we are not worthy of love or happiness because of what we have done.

Responsibility:

We feel insecure because we don’t take responsibility for our lives. When we are not taking responsibility for our lives, we think that everything that happens to us is someone else’s fault. This makes us feel like other people are controlling our lives and that they are responsible for the way we feel. It also makes us feel like we have no control over our own happiness and that other people have all of the power over us. This can lead to feelings of insecurity because it makes us feel like we are not in control of our own lives.

The answers to these questions are the things that you can control. If you want to feel secure, make sure that you focus on the things that you can control and not the things that you can’t.

Here are some ways you can improve on your insecurities

Realizing your self-worth:

It is hard to feel secure when we don’t value ourselves. When we are constantly putting ourselves down, we will feel insecure about ourselves. It is very important to realize that we all have value and deserve to be happy.

To build your self-esteem, start telling yourself positive things about yourself every day. Focus on the things that you do well and the qualities that make you a good person. When someone else says something negative about you, tell yourself “That isn’t true” or “That person doesn’t know me well enough to say something like that about me.” And if someone else says something positive about you, believe them!

Asking for help:

Insecurity makes us think that we have to do everything on our own. We think it is weak or stupid to ask for help when we need it. However, asking for help is a sign of strength. It shows that we are willing to ask for help when we need it and that we are willing to trust others.

The next time you feel insecure, don’t try to solve the problem on your own. Instead, reach out to someone else and ask for help. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you will be helping someone else as well!

Working on your own self-esteem:

Insecurity makes us focus on our own flaws and not our good qualities. In order to feel secure, we need to focus on our good qualities and build up our self-esteem. This is done by taking care of ourselves and doing things that make us happy. Go out with friends, do things that you enjoy, go on a vacation, eat at your favorite restaurant…do whatever makes you happy!

When you do things that make you happy, you are doing things that are good for your self-esteem. You will feel better about yourself and your life, and you will feel more secure.

About the Author

I am an educator have over 3 years of experience in product management, technology leadership, startups, angel investing and Edtech. I an EdTech startup Cudy Technologies (www.cudy.co) to help teachers teach better and students learn better using videos and interactive activities. If you are a teacher or student, signup for free at https://cudy.co/sg/register to start teaching and learning better today.

You can connect with me on Linkedin (https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexanderlhk) and let me know that you are a reader of my Medium posts in your invitation message.

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Founder of Cudy Technologies (www.cudy.co), a full-stack EdTech startup helping teachers and students teach and learn better. I am also a mentor and investor.

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Founder of Cudy Technologies (www.cudy.co), a full-stack EdTech startup helping teachers and students teach and learn better. I am also a mentor and investor.

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